


Pick Me Up

by ShipMistress



Category: How to Train Your Dragon (Movies)
Genre: A little bit of fluff, Bad Pick-Up Lines, Crack, Modern AU, Multi, Playing a prank, biker!Hiccup
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-28
Updated: 2020-10-28
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:34:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27251278
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShipMistress/pseuds/ShipMistress
Summary: When a blonde stunner in a pretty dress enters the bar, many think of trying their luck. But when one is actually successful, and with theworstpick-up lines imaginable no less, nobody believes their eyes – or ears.
Relationships: Eret/Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III/Astrid Hofferson
Comments: 10
Kudos: 15





	Pick Me Up

**Author's Note:**

> This short originates from a conversation about a Duolingo lesson in flirting, helped on by a post about really bad pick-up lines. I don't regret anything! 
> 
> Also, this is to cheer up a friend. Nothing can replace what you lost, but hopefully, this story can make you smile.

With a smirk playing around his lips, Hiccup took his alcohol-free beer to a small table near the entrance of the bar. It was not one he'd ever visited before, but that was kind of the point. Nobody was going to pay him any mind; he was just a man hiding behind his glass.

He looked up when the doorbell rang, announcing a new customer. The woman who stepped inside drew everybody's attention at once, and Hiccup couldn't really blame them. Long blonde hair gleamed in the dim light like a beacon of light, falling around her shoulders like a waterfall of liquid gold. She wore a black dress, too elegant for this bar but definitely perfect to outline the curves of her waist and breasts. And with the low neckline, there really wasn't much left to the imagination. 

Unashamedly, Hiccup enjoyed her sight a little longer, his artist's eyes taking in every small detail. She looked _stunning._

She looked around, her lips tilting into a barely-there smirk at the sight of all the gaping men, before she sat down onto one of the bar stools. 

It didn't take long before the first one tried to make a move on her. He moved to the free stool to her left and probably was about to say something. But it only took one stern look from the blonde and the guy left her alone again. 

_Wise choice,_ Hiccup thought to himself, knowing fully well that, if he'd pushed it, she wouldn't have had any problems flooring the guy within seconds. 

The next one was a little more subtle. The woman had ordered a drink, some colourful cocktail, but when she wanted to pay, the bartender declined. Someone else had already paid for it.

From his table, Hiccup could see the smirk on the woman's lips, making him chuckle in silence. Oh, of course, she wouldn't turn down a free drink. But that didn't mean that the guy who thought to easily buy her like that was getting even so much as a glance from her. 

Others thought to try their luck as well, but it quickly became apparent that the woman wasn't receptive to cheap advances. Some commented in murmured voices that she was probably just here to wait for someone.

Hiccup hid his grin in his beer.

People came and went, but when a huge guy with tattoos over one half of his face entered, he still drew everyone's attention. He was brawny, muscles easily visible beneath his sleeveless west. The sight alone made Hiccup shiver; it was _cold_ outside. 

The tattooed man sat down at the bar and ordered himself a drink, not paying attention to anyone. Only after he'd taken a first big gulp of his beer did he notice the woman sitting only three seats over. He looked her over from head to toe, a clearly satisfied grin on his face, and move to sit down next to her.

"Okay, baby, I'm here. What do you want for your next wish?"

Hiccup almost spewed his drink all over the table. The man had spoken loud enough that the whole bar had heard him, and, _wow!_ If that wasn't one of the worst pick up lines Hiccup had ever heard…

He glanced around the room, a few men groaning in secondhand embarrassment. There were comments, too, some clearly expecting the woman to deck the guy for such a comment.

But, to nearly everyone's surprise, the opposite was the case. 

The woman turned her head toward the tattooed man, interest flashing in her eyes as she took in his appearance. 

"And what more could I possibly want now that you're here?" she replied.

Stunned silence filled the bar, everyone gaping in disbelief at the unassuming couple at the bar. Was a stunner like this woman really going for a pickup line as stupid as this?

The man inched a little closer. "Well, I think you want to give me your number."

The woman frowned. "My number? Why would you need my number?"

"Oh, it's not for me, it's for my friend," he replied, grinning. With his thumb, he pointed into the taproom, even in Hiccup's general direction but that could have been a coincidence. "So he knows where to call when he picks me up tomorrow."

Hiccup couldn't suppress a groan this time, but the woman just giggled at the awful comment. 

"All right. And who would your friend be asking for? Just so I know they really mean you?"

"I'm Eret. Son of Eret. Greatest lover alive." He even made something of a bow, and Hiccup rolled his eyes. 

"Well, nice to meet you, Eret. I'm Astrid."

Eret cocked his head, grinning. "Astrid, you say? That's interesting."

Astrid rose her eyebrow. "How so?"

"Well, I was sure you had to be an alien because there's nothing I want more than to examine your body–" Oh, Gods, did he really just say that? Hiccup wanted to facepalm– "But now, I understand. With your beauty and that name… Do you have a band-aid? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you. You must be the goddess of love herself."

Oh, it was getting worse and worse… The men around them seemed to think so, too, some even making comments about how nobody will believe them even _one_ of those lines had worked.

But again, Astrid just giggled. "Who knows, maybe I am. And what would you do about it?"

"Well…" Eret seemed to think for a moment. "I was led here – to you – because I was looking up the best places to eat out. Are you free tonight? Or do you take reservations?"

Astrid gave him a lofty smirk. "I do, but you'll need a voucher to afford me." Then she leaned closer to him and whispered, conspiratorially but still well audible in the entire bar, "But you're lucky, tonight all apparel is 100% off."

This time, Hiccup couldn't hold back the snort anymore. Oh, he'd known that last comment would come, but it still killed him. 

The conversation went on, leaving the audience in the rest of the bar baffled. One horrible pick up line followed after the other – _almost_ as if they had looked them up in advance... When Hiccup had heard enough, he downed the rest of his drink and left the bar without anyone paying him any attention. There was a bit of a spring in his steps as he walked down the road to where the car was parked. Slipping into the passenger seat, he threw the nondescript jacket onto the back seats and started his transformation back to his usual self. 

With the help of some baby wipes, he got rid of the makeup covering the tattoos on his neck and hands. Next came his piercings back in, one in his lower lip, one in his eyebrow, two in his nose, and a couple more in his ears. The one in his tongue had been able to stay, thankfully. After that, he only needed to apply his trademark amount of black eyeliner and ruffle his hair back into its usual untamed chaos to be satisfied by the image in the rearview mirror. He grabbed his jacket – the black leather jacket with the studs this time – and whistling happily walked back toward the bar. 

**. o O o .**

_I swear, if he cracks out one more of these lines, I'm going to burst,_ Astrid thought as she tried to hide her mirth in the depth of her cocktail. Then, before Eret could open his mouth again, she grabbed the collar of his vest and silenced him by pressing her mouth to his. 

Eret was clearly surprised but didn't need long to cotton on to her mood change. Large hands settled on her hips and the warmth he radiated made her hum in delight. The kiss grew more heated than she'd planned, her focus lost when her tongue somehow found its way past his lips, but she didn't really care. Putting on a bit of a show was fun. She presses herself closer against his warm body, her stomach doing a funny flip-flop when his fingertips dug harder into her flesh, and they only parted when the hooting and whistling from the rest of the room became too distracting to be ignored. 

"I guess the foreplay is over?" Eret rumbled into her ear, his deep voice making her shiver. He pulled back a little when she hummed, and added a little louder, "Don't go anywhere, beautiful. I'll be right back and then I'm all yours for the rest of the night." He even fucking _winked._

With laughter sparkling in her eyes, Astrid watched as he made a hasty retreat toward the toilets. Oh, she'd been right, this was _fun._

Turning her attention back to her cocktail, she pointedly ignored everyone else staring. On to the next part... She didn't have to wait long though, the little bell at the door indicating that someone was coming in only a minute after Eret was out of sight. 

Looking up, she tried to imagine how he would look to the watching men around them. Clad in his black biking leathers and with at least part of his tattoos and piercings on full display, nobody would recognise Hiccup as the same man who'd left the bar not so long ago. In fact, the experience had taught her that most people associated his appearance with trouble, maybe even danger. A ridiculous concept – but then, she knew Hiccup, knew that his tough look was deceiving. Mostly. 

“Hey, babe,” she greeted him, her lips twitching into a smirk when she heard the puzzled mumbling around her.

“Good evening, Milady.” He pulled her off her seat and into a deep kiss without hesitation, his hands firmly on her hips and holding her tight against his body. As always, his leathers against her bare skin made her squirm like barely anything else and almost made her forget their audience altogether – especially when his fingertips found the dips at the base of her spine, making her mewl against his lips. All she really wanted right now was to climb into his lap and maybe give another kind of show. Mmh, she couldn’t wait to get home! 

Sadly, Hiccup was more sensible than she was. Or maybe it was just because he was soberer. Either way, he just chuckled at her eagerness and pushed her away a little, catching her gaze with a meaningful raise of his eyebrows. “I’m a little late but I hope you didn’t get too bored?”

Right, they weren’t done here… 

From the corner of her eyes, Astrid caught the confused look on the bartender’s face – an expression that quickly changed to worried, and with the murmured comments from the other visitors of the bar, she didn’t even need to turn around to know that Eret was back. 

“What the–” he exclaimed when he saw Astrid in Hiccup’s arms. There was disbelief on his face, maybe even a hint of anger. Astrid really had to applaud his acting skills; she was barely able to keep from laughing as it was. 

For a second or so, Eret and Hiccup just held each other’s gazes, stern and unyielding. 

“Now, now,” the barkeeper said into the silence that had overcome the room. “I don’t want any trouble here, guys. If you have something to sort out then I have to ask you to leave.”

But neither Hiccup nor Eret paid him any mind. Eret made a slow step in their direction, just as Hiccup pushed Astrid to the side and stepped in front of her. As if to protect her. That concept alone was more laughable than anything else that had happened tonight, and Astrid really was only seconds away from breaking now. 

Thankfully, she didn't need to keep up the charade for much longer.

From one second to the next, Eret moved toward them, fast. There were gasps and even someone crying out, everybody expecting the brawny man to attack the brash biker who was stealing _his girl_ away from under his nose. And, in a way, what Eret did _could_ be called an attack.

When he reached Hiccup, he grabbed him by the collar of his leather jacket – and hauled him into an almost brutal kiss.

The entire room was silent, watching in bafflement as the two men kissed and all but aggressively groped each other. Eret's hand wandered to squeeze that leather-clad ass and Hiccup tugged at silken hair, both groaning as they ground their bodies together more passionately.

Astrid squirmed in her seat, biting her lip to hold herself together. This was the one thing she enjoyed more than the feeling of leather on her skin; watching her boyfriends making out. 

Behind her, the barkeeper grunted. "By Loki's balls… what the… what?"

His disbelieving muttering was the last push. Astrid burst out laughing and nearly fell off her seat when that drew even more confused looks from everyone around. 

"Don't worry," she cheerfully called over her shoulder at the barkeeper. "I'll get them out before they break anything." 

**. o O o .**

Eret barely noticed how Astrid placed a hand on his shoulder and pushed him and Hiccup outside. Kissing Hiccup, especially when he was dressed in his biker leathers, always left him kind of dizzy and he really only wanted to keep making out with him. He groaned when Hiccup bit at his lip, the threat of pain only turning him on more.

"Hey, and what about me?" 

Astrid's pouty words and Hiccup’s chuckling in response helped to clear his head – enough at least to remember that they weren't in their flat just yet. 

“Don’t worry. How could we forget about you?” Hiccup said, and reached to pull her between them. 

Astrid followed happily, her hands braced against Eret’s chest as Hiccup pressing himself against her back. His lips found her neck and she let out that beautiful needy whimper when his teeth grazed her skin, giving Eret the perfect opening to plunder her mouth. She mewled, squirming between them as she tried to push back against them both at the same time. 

It made Eret chuckle, just as Hiccup tried to hide his laughter in her hair as well. Sometimes, she was so easy to play.

“Urgh, fine!” Astrid growled in resignation. “This really isn’t the best place, is it? Let’s get home then so I can make you pay for getting me all hot in public. Again!” 

“Mmh, I’m so looking forward to that.” Eret chuckled and even dared to give her a cheeky wink, earning himself another impatient growl. 

Hiccup threw him a smirk. They both knew winding Astrid up in public could lead to… _imaginative_ payback. And yet, he didn’t retreat and stayed where he was, aligned to her back and with his mouth right below her ear. “Ah, but don’t you want to enjoy your prank a little longer? All this was your idea, after all. I hope you took a good look at all their expressions; it was glorious.”

Despite Hiccup’s teeth now nibbling at her ear, Astrid laughed as he reminded her of the show they’d just given to their unassuming audience. “Oh, I bet they were.” She turned and gave Hiccup an almost serious look. “I hope you remember them well enough to draw pictures. I think I missed most of their reactions as I was trying not to laugh.”

“Or were distracted otherwise,” Eret threw in, grinning. 

She gave him a playful punch to the shoulder. “Hey, not my fault you’re both so hot!”

They laughed, then pulled apart after all.

“All right, let’s get home then.” Hiccup turned toward his bike, which he’d parked here earlier, and took his helmet. “Are you riding with me or with Eret?” 

Again, Eret’s lips twitched but he was wise enough not to make a sound. It was no secret that Hiccup’s bike – along with his leathers – was practically a metal aphrodisiac to Astrid. 

And as expected, her eyes lingered longingly on the machine, her lower lip caught between her teeth. Then she groaned and shook her head. “No, I’d better ride with Eret in the car. This dress really isn’t suitable for riding a bike, even with the spare helmet in the storage compartment. Besides–” her expression turned into a cheeky grin as she put her arm through Eret’s, making him a little nervous. “Eret worked so hard to pick up that stunner in her too-tight dress, it should be his honour to take her home as well.”

  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> There are references to three of my fav fics in this. Whoever finds them will get ten brownie points. ^^


End file.
